


You Still Matter

by The_Forgotten_Nobody



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Anxiety, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, My sad boys find happiness, Negative Thoughts, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2017-05-08
Packaged: 2018-10-29 16:05:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10857387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Forgotten_Nobody/pseuds/The_Forgotten_Nobody
Summary: The tree Evan climbs happens to be occupied by someone else.





	You Still Matter

**Author's Note:**

> So I've only listened to the soundtrack on repeat and read the story on wiki so apologies if they're ooc. But omg I am in love. 
> 
> (Also, while I love For Forever, it's Disappears lyrics that make me real emosh and hence inspired the title.)

Evan’s always liked trees.  Trees are uncomplicated.  Sturdy.  They don’t judge you, don’t care when you stutter or mess up your words.  A tree could listen to you for hours and never once would you feel stupid, only protected by their branches – a safe haven when the world became too loud and overwhelming.

There’s one tree in particular that Evan likes – a Hickory tree in the park a few blocks away that has been there as long as he can remember.  It has low, spread out branches that are perfect for climbing and a that view isn’t quite spectacular, but close enough.  It does look a little lopsided from far back, like a chunk has been cut out of it, but Evan likes it all the more for that reason.  Perfection is deceiving.

The first step up is always the most freeing, Evan has found.  With just the first step off the ground, it’s like his tether to reality, to all his problems and worries, gets temporarily snapped.  He’s a balloon, floating higher and higher as the weight he carries on a daily basis sinks away until all that’s left is him, a drifting consciousness, and the tree there to hold him.  

And today, Evan needs this release more than anything.  Everything has become too much.  His mom’s been working overtime which means she’s been home even less than normal and when she is, her tolerance for his quirks and habits is at an all-time low.  And while Evan wants to help his mom, doesn’t want to be such a burden for her, his brain doesn’t always get the memo and his stress and trying to do better, _be_ better ultimately makes things even worse.  Then there’s Jared, his ‘family friend’ as he’s so adamant to make sure Evan remembers.  He’s started not even caring when Evan doesn’t come over to watch him play video games and since his mom and Jared are the only people he talks to he gets left alone in his head for way too long and it all just keeps building and building.  He’s constantly reminded of the things he did in 5 th grade, reminded of the fact he has no friends and reminded that one day, he’s going to leave school and be expected to fend for himself and how is he going to do that when just the thought of going grocery shopping sends him close to a panic attack? 

Even being half-way up the tree as he is, where by this point he’s normally feeling calm and centred, he can feel his shoulders shrink as the burden of his anxiety returns and desperate for them to disappear again, he puts in an extra burst of effort and heads up higher, going as fast as he can until he hears…something. 

It could be a bird.  It’s most likely a bird, or just the breeze knocking a branch but Evan’s mind instantly conjures up a plethora of scenarios, each more terrifying than the last.  He almost abandons his plans and shoots back down but then a new, quiet voice in his mind says ‘Who cares if it _is_ something terrifying.  What’s the worst that could really happen?’ and it’s so unexpected and unlike of him to think that Evan takes hold of the thought and uses it to propel him upwards. 

And then, as his hand reaches one of the few remaining branches he finds it occupied and a voice above him shouts, “What the hell?!”

Evan nearly falls off but years of climbing trees have left him with a pretty good grip and so he just manages to hold on.  He doesn’t, however, continue, instead remaining on the branch he’s on and looking up with wide eyes to find a hooded figure above him.  Thoughts of kidnappers and murderers flit through Evan’s mind before the hood falls back enough for Evan to see that it’s none other than Connor Murphy, looking a mixture of confused and furious. 

What Connor Murphy is doing in Evan’s sanctuary, he doesn’t know and he certainly doesn’t like it. No one’s ever been in Evan’s tree before and if he wasn’t out of sorts before, he is now.  But actually …now that Evan can see Connor’s face, he can see that his enraged eyes are red rimmed and also hold a certain sadness to them that Evan thinks looks…wrong.  Connor’s always been one of those guys who could take care of himself.  Always angry but…self-assured, like he could tackle anything life threw at him, with either his fists or words.  He didn’t care; he just did his own thing and didn’t worry about the consequences.  Sometimes Evan even envied him.  But maybe…maybe Evan had been wrong.

“Hansen, right?” Connor asks and Evan nods jerkily, his back pressed against the bark.  It digs in uncomfortably against him but he doesn’t want to risk moving.  He almost feels like trapped prey, not wanting to make any sudden movements in case the predator lashed out.  “What the fuck are you doing up here?  Did you see me and want to make fun of me?  Huh?  Is that it?”

Evan shakes his head this time, glad his voice still works as he says, “I…I just c-come up here sometimes. I, um, I like trees.”

Oh god he sounds so lame.  ‘I like trees’.  He sounds like a freak and now Connor’s looking at him like he is one and-

Wait, no he’s not.  Well, he’s looking confused but he doesn’t have the same expression he’s seen on all the other kids at school when Evan speaks.  The sort of look that says ‘you’re different and weird and I don’t like that.’

“You didn’t know I was up here?”  Connor questions and once more, Evan shakes his head, the back of it scratching roughly against the wood. 

“I- I can leave.  I’m s-sorry.  I-”

“Christ Hansen.  It’s fine.  You can stay.  Sounds like it’s your place after all.”  Connor frowns, looking even more troubled than before and Evan doesn’t understand why.  Is he sure he doesn’t want Evan to go?  But, then, he has a feeling that if he asks again, or just tries to leave, Connor might feel even worse and get angrier. 

And so, Evan stays and they sit in silence.  Normally, Evan could spend hours up in the tree, just drifting and not thinking about anything in particular.  He could just exist and that would be more than enough. 

Now, however, it’s all different.  He can hear every quick, quiet sound as Connor adjusts above him.  He can make out every soft, occasionally hitched breath of his.  And the thoughts…they’re about Connor but they’re also about him.  After all, if someone like Connor Murphy is struggling with stuff then what hope does he have?  He’s a mess and clearly Connor pities him or something.  Why else would he let Evan stay when he clearly doesn’t like him?  Connor doesn’t like _anyone_ and _nobody_ likes Evan  so-

“You alright there Hansen?  You look like you’re gonna pass out,” Connor says and Evan jerks, once again nearly falling out of the tree except…wait, he _is_ falling out of the tree.  His reflexes kick in just quick enough that he grabs the branch with one hand and as his feet scrabble for purchase below him he suddenly thinks, ‘ _I could let go.  I could let go and everything would stop.’_

And oh, he’s tempted.  The world now seems silent around him as the thought repeats itself over and over.  He could do it.  He could stop the noise, the worry, the stress.  All he had to do was release his fingers, one by one, and then-

“Fucking hell!  I swear to god if you let go I’m gonna fuck you up Hansen.”  There’s a hand over his and, all of a sudden, the silence is gone.  He can hear everything again, see more than blurs around him and most importantly, he can feel Connor Murphy’s hand over his.  He can see Connor’s face; see another range of emotions on his face.  The anger and confusion are still there but then…then there’s fear.  Fear that Evan would, will, let go. But…why? 

Against his own accord, his grip starts to falter but now Evan wants to know.  He needs to understand why this other boy, someone who had only ever been little more than a name to Evan, wants him to live.  Why this boy who always seemed like he didn’t care was crying in the tree Evan uses to get away. 

Evan’s feet finally find the branch below and he regains his balance enough to throw his other arm up so that Connor can pull him back where he was before.  He’s shaking slightly as he leans back and Connor still has a grip on his hand, or he does until he realises it himself and retracts it as if burned.  Evan tries not to flinch at the action but is unsuccessful.  Connor, as if he’s made a mistake, looks pained and runs the hand through his long, scraggly hair.  It doesn’t look sleek and glossy like Zoey’s does but it still looks softer than Evan had initially thought.  He almost wants to run his own fingers through it.

[Which is weird, weird, weird and not something he should be thinking _at all_.]

“Shit.  What the fuck.  What the fuck Hansen. You were gonna let go, weren’t you?”

It looks like his throat has chosen now to act as if there’s a brick lodged there and so all Evan can do is shrug because obviously he _had_ and there’s no way he can really deny it.

Connor lets out a long, deep exhale.  The black fingernails of his right hand scratch against his left knuckles.

[Evan wonders if he’d look good in nail polish.  Probably not.  But it suits Connor.]

“You helped me,” Evan eventually gets out when Connor doesn’t say any more.  “W-why?” 

“Why?”  Connor asks incredulously.  “You think I’d let you fall?  You think I’m that kinda person?”

He’s getting angry again and that wasn’t what Evan wanted.  He always seems to screw things up but this time, he’s determined to make sure Connor understands him. 

“I just, um, I thought you didn’t care.  Y-you don’t like anyone and I…I don’t like me so I wouldn’t blame you if you, uh, just looked away.”  Evan’s own hands fidget with the hem of shirt and as much as Evan wants to look at him, show Connor he’s telling the truth and doesn’t think bad of him, his eyes stay glued downwards.

That is, until Connor says nothing and he’s compelled to look up, only to find the other boy staring at him with an unreadable expression.

“Do you always think about killing yourself when you’re up here?”  Connor asks, almost nonchalantly and Evan flinches.  When he says it like that, it sounds bad but at the time, it had just made sense. 

“N-no.  I come up where when everything gets too much.  M-my anxiety makes it hard for me to be around people…and to be around m-myself.  Coming up here helps me; it helps calm me down and stuff.  I…I don’t think about k-killing myself.  Or, I, um, I guess I didn’t.”

Connor nods as if he’s making some sort of sense and since he no longer looks mad, Evan dares to ask, “Why’re you up here?” 

Connor looks past him, resting his head on the patch of skin that pokes through his ripped jeans.

“Same, I guess,” he shrugs. “Parents were fighting, the usual, then it turned to me, as usual.  So I got out.  Typically I go for a drive but I wasn’t feeling it today.  Then I saw this tree and thought, why not climb it?  Guess it was a good thing, huh?” 

Evan shrugs back and he stiffens when Connor barks out a short, ‘Hey.’

“Listen to me Hansen.  I may not really know you but shit, you matter okay?  Everyone in this goddamn place matters.  You need a reason to stick around?  Well fuck it, I’m your reason now, you got that?” 

Evan blinks, mouth parted slightly.  Connor, for all that he still exudes anger and loathing, he…cares that Evan hang around for some reason.  It’s almost like he gets what Evan’s going through, in some way and now…Evan wants to help him.  He knows there’s stuff Connor’s not told him, _so_ much stuff like his family and his drug abuse, but it’s almost like this is a moment he’s been waiting for.  A connection with someone, someone who’s not his mom and obliged to care or a family friend who only talks to him so they can get care insurance or even the girl who’s nice to everyone simply because she has to be.  It’s like he’s found a kindred spirit.  In  Connor Murphy of all people. 

“Got that?”  Connor asks sharply and Evan nods.  The other boy finally seems to relax and Evan bites his lip, hoping he’s about to say the right thing. 

“O-only if I get to be y-your reason too.  I kn-know it might not, um, be the same thing but you don’t have many, uh, friends or at least that’s what I’m guessing and I-if you want I could be there, there for you too.  Or not, that’s f-fine but you said I matter and y-you matter too so if you want then-”

“Okay,” Connor buts in, a hint of a smile tugging at his lips.  “I’ll be your reason and you be mine.  Sounds like a fair deal.”

Evan gives his own little smile and it does feel like they’ve struck a deal, one more important than either of them realise.  They spend the remainder of their time in the tree in silence but when Evan realises he ought to go get dinner, he ends up blurting out his email address to Connor. He’d meant to give his phone number but he’d spent so long panicking over how to say it that his email address had come out instead. 

He runs before Connor can remark on how strange he is and honestly, Evan doesn’t actually expect the other boy to actually email him, but later than night he gets one, one that starts off with _Dear Evan Hansen_ and suddenly turns into a correspondence between the two. 

What begins as a few sentences of casual check-ins on how they’re doing, soon becomes more lengthily discussions about their day, about their lives.  Evan opens up more about his anxiety and how he doesn’t know how he’s going to cope when he gets older and Connor responds with his own troubles.  He tells Evan how his parents are trapping themselves in a loveless marriage and never seem to have time for Connor unless it’s to yell at him or remind him what a screw up he is.  He tells Evan how drugs are to him what trees are for Evan but he doesn’t always want it to be. 

For a while, they’re confidents and then, they’re friends and eventually they end up meeting back at the old Hickory tree again.  They climb as high as they can go, one foot after the other until they reach the top and once more, Evan feels safe again.  Not just because of the tree, but because of Connor.  Connor who always listens to him, who sees him for who he is and still likes him. 

They talk for hours up there and as the sun is dropping down the amber sky, Connor looks at him in a way Evan’s never experienced.  It’s up there that Evan gets his first kiss and as he leans against Connor and looks at that almost perfect view, he thinks they’ll be okay, that what they are then and there is more than enough.

That there’s nowhere else he’d rather be.   

**Author's Note:**

> [The end was totally me going 'right so how many song references can I make.' Sadly, my favourite song (good for you), couldn't make an appearance.]
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this! If you did consider leaving a kudos or comment :)
> 
> (Also if you wanna chat or something my more active blog on tumblr is scarlett-ice. Also, curious, what's your favourite song?)


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